Painting a Pretty Picture

Last week I was attempting to lift my sister's spirits and we came along the subject of suffering. We all have our own little struggles. She struggles financially. I'm one of the few people whose life has been pretty good. So, as I explain that I have my own form of suffering, she comments that "Atleast you have the pretty picture." I can't deny that I do. I don't have to work. I have a nice house. I have a loving husband. So.... yes.... I paint a pretty picture, but what's that worth?

The nice house reflects Dave's good job. His good job is also the reason I don't have to work.

The loving husband reflects his ability to handle my unique brand of crazy. Most people wouldn't know from the pretty picture that I'm an emotional wreck. I'm not talking about "that time of month" hormonal emotions. I mean all the time... On any given day, I might cry at the drop of hat. Sometimes for no known reason. Some stupid shit makes me cry. He'll see me crying in front of the tv and ask "what now?" and I'm like "this shitty movie had a happy ending!" (please don't ask why I watch shitty movies because I honestly don't know)

I'm obviously not dealing with some inner conflicts. Like feelings of failure after realizing that maybe my field of study isn't for me. Destroyed confidence after years of being beat down by my employers. Depression and lack of focus because I'm almost 32 and don't know what I want to do with my life. Sick of working my ass off so that other people can get rich then treat me (or their employees) like crap. Gee... What else? OH RIGHT!! I'm tired of being someone's peon.

Ok... I know I said that I wasn't going to go into specifics about what happened at my last job, but lets get into some specifics. Some of the attorneys would talk to their paralegals like they were below them because they didn't have a law degree. Now keep in mind that most of them had college degrees or working on degrees. Anyway, it was up to us paralegals to make sure that all the pleadings we sent to the court were properly packaged for filing according to local court rules. We filed cases in every county in the state of Pennsylvania.... There are 76 freaking counties! (yes I just Googled it and counted) Anyway... something get done wrong? It's on the paralegal when technically it should be on the attorney. My attorney was a gem. There were 12 paralegals and only one was willing to work with him (that person being the one training me). I had the unfortunate luck of being assigned to him upon starting there. I saw the following posted on Facebook a long time ago and immediately thought of him.

He was that bad.... A Pompous, arrogant prick of man that got his kicks out of making other people feel like shit. He was obviously over compensating for his own feelings of inferiority  Well... he didn't make me feel like shit. I'm too awesome for that. His behavior just pissed me off and made me hate him. We had an incident. He said something uncalled for. I went to HR. They did nothing. A week later, I quit. He wasn't pulled into the HR rep's office until after I left. I could sue, but this dumb dumb didn't copy herself on the emails she sent to HR detailing the incident. Whatever... That wasn't the only reason I left. The company was crap! 1% contribution to 401K which was taken away shortly after I left. Apparently health insurance was crappy and expensive. They were just a salary for me... and it was a crappy salary that I didn't need. There's more, but I think you get the idea.

Anyway... long tangent on why I don't want to be someone's work bitch anymore. What was I talking about? Oh... right my pretty picture...

Though pretty.... it isn't as pretty when you look too closely. Everyday I'm battling inner demons and I only named a few. Makes me think... Is my current situation just me hiding from the world? Maybe something to thing about for a future post perhaps.

So... yeah... my inner workings are a little dark and dreary at the moment. Hopefully Spring will bring some insight into what I want for my future.